Personal relationships

P 3003 False expectations.

/ DVH

I unintentionally, and without any prior warning, walked into a wall of nasty attitudes in someone else yesterday. They were angry with me for no other reason than they could not have their own way. This is someone I care about, and sadly I’ve had many bad experiences with them before, but I thought that kind of trouble between us was gone… It’s just goes to show we cannot afford to let our guard down –  we need each other. My own discernment was severely lacking! Hubby was far more discerning than I was – he emphasised caution.

So what do you do in those moments, when you feel utterly betrayed by someone you think you can trust? I start with the realisation that I can’t deal with anything else but my emotions in that moment, because they’re all over the place like jam on a baby’s face. After that I need to go straight into my will and reinforce my decision to live my life His way. This step is important, otherwise I can get tangled up in what I want, and leave what He wants behind me! 

The next thing that happens is I pray and choose to forgive myself — despite my awareness of many multiple feelings of ineptitude and lack of wisdom — I know that I need saving from my own reactions like everyone else does! So I deliberately put blame, guilt, recrimination and shame down — and at the same time I pray and ask for the Lord’s healing, help, forgiveness and guidance.

Then I deliberately forgive the other person as an act of my will. It is so much easier to forgive someone else when you’ve just dealt with the log in your own eye first. Just saying is all … At the bottom of our instant pain, are often even more memories of previous pain – and that definitely needs sorting out, but first things first.  Any sort of betrayal is painful, and Jesus Himself knows personally all about that.

Judas betrayed Him for 30 pieces of silver, and Peter ran away under pressure. When someone we care about suddenly reverts to previous behaviour, it can be easy to be taken by surprise and feel like we’ve been ambushed. But we can’t afford to sit there, we must choose to move past our feelings into a place where we can pray full of His Love for that other person. Jesus prayed for Peter, remember? He prayed for Peter’s faith to not fail. 

Loving people who are often erratic in their way of speaking and living, means we need to pray before we spend time with them. I actually remembered to pray this time, but because I thought things had changed for the better, I relaxed. I forgot that scripture in 1 Corinthians 16, verses 13&14. “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.” I was distracted and forgot to stay on my guard. I wanted something from this person, that they can’t give me, and I let my emotional need blind me to where they are actually coming from. Jesus Himself, does not meet their needs… yet. 

At the same time I forgot to ‘stand firm in the faith.’ The bible says:’My God shall supply ALL MY NEEDS according to His riches in glory.’ Philippians 4:19. Part of our surrender to Christ entails our willingness to lift our expectations off other people, and put them firmly with Him. That takes practice! It appears I missed out on a practice session this time, but I’ve put the Lord and my hubby on alert to remind me! Otherwise I could easily fall down the same hole again. Instead of “being courageous” under fire, I crumbled like a stale biscuit. So I repented of that too and asked the Holy Spirit to help me to go back into “doing everything in love.”  

Sometimes, in personal relationships our expectations of other people are so great, the other person will probably fail in meeting them.That’s life. We must realise that we cannot meet each other’s needs – our job is to point people to the One Who can do all things.  Sometimes when I think that Hollywood has totally messed with our brains and we see someone else and think they will totally understand me. In a pig’s eye! That’s narcissistic. I don’t care who it is, people aren’t here to serve our needs, we are here to serve Him..

We can easily be blinded by our own need for immediate love and gratification. I think this is why many marriages fail. The couples have false expectations. Only Jesus can meet all our needs. There is no point in expecting human beings to meet them, simply because we like instant answers. In case you haven’t noticed …Jesus doesn’t often DO things immediately! My advice is to remind yourself that God always has a better, bigger plan. Bless you! 👋

P 2903 Do I listen?

/ DVH

Listening is an important skill. How can anyone learn and change, if they think we already know? On the other hand, if we think we are right, perhaps we are listening … with an agenda?! I bumped into this particular attitude in myself today – it was not a happy thought! One of the very best gifts we can give someone else is to listen to them. Whether it is our children, our spouse, a friend, or a stranger who needs a listening ear. 

Because we are constantly bombarded by all kinds of media, I think we’ve lost the art of true listening – from the heart. The term social media, by the way, is a misnomer. There’s nothing social, or truly interactive about social media! Because of this phenomenon, people have become used to either oversharing, or colouring in what they say with pretty pencils to make themselves look better. 

I think that this extreme has resulted in losing the art of listening with love in our hearts, and concern on our faces. I have no excuse for my own personal behaviour – as you know, I don’t partake in any sort of social media. By the way, I just bumped into contempt and pride when I said that! 😱 We all know, I have no love for that stuff. Blimey, it’s raining bad attitudes at my house!!

There are times that someone could still be typing their response furiously while the person on the other end is trying to communicate with us, via this or that platform. Instead it becomes a game of one-up-man-ship. Who types the fastest? I also think sometimes our lack of intimacy with the Lord, can actually show up in our personal relationships. And…  our lack of intimacy with others can show up in our relationship with Him! Jesus is passionate about people, He is so passionate about people He died for all of us. The Lord is a great listener, if we will put away our agendas, and simply ‘…be still…!’

Sad to say, we can get so busy doing this and saying that, we can’t hear each other speak anymore! Important words get lost, or people get the brush-off because we think we know what the other person is going to say, or maybe … we don’t actually want to know what that other person is going to say because we are not interested. Either way we are the losers because the bible tells us that iron sharpens iron – and that sharpening won’t happen in a vacuum, we will have to choose to participate.

The bible is all about all kinds of relationships and it teaches  us how to live, side by side, with each other. Sadly, today all the godly motivated ideas about forgiveness have been thrown out —- and instead we get indignant stories about people being disobedient to society’s new laws, which are sometimes called political correctness. I’ve looked hard at that lot, and those things also totally annoy the living daylights out of me! They rub me up the wrong way so hard, I can lose my cool over it all. That’s when the Holy Spirit whispers to me that I have been called to love people, no matter what society tells me I should do. I am to obey the King – my allegiance to His message is my first priority.

You know, I found out that if you pay attention to the stuff you actually don’t like to admit about yourself, you can learn a lot of things you’ve never even thought about!  In this process I learnt that I don’t like being told what to do. I can be extremely compliant when things suit me, but when something is outrageously unjust – the red balloon goes up and so do my anger levels! So much for having a loving inclusive attitude. We can’t be transformed if we don’t admit to having a problem, and I was  totally unaware that this attitude had crept up on me. I was judging people without hearing His heart on the matter, first.

Jesus had injustices all around Him, yet still He only said what He heard the Father saying, and He only did what His Father told Him to do. (John 12:49-50.) That sounds like a great plan to me! Maybe my own personal problems have occurred because I’ve been busy justifying my snarky ways by pointing to the bible, and using it as a club instead of a book that was designed to heal. His book is designed to heal our relationship with the Lord first, and then it heals our relationship with others. We will miss His greatest blessings when we use His Word to justify stuff that is resistant to transformation.

Today, I just want to share that I fall on my head in matters of change, often. Many times I miss the mark and I don’t even know until hours, or even, days later. I’ve been too busy pompously riding about on my high horse to notice. Then I can easily spend a couple of days trying to avoid the only cure … ‘Draw near to God, humble yourself…’ James 4. Humbling yourself cures a whole lotta stuff – I recommend it. It helps me listen. Bye.👋