Palliative care

P 3054 Opting out.

/ DVH

Do you ever want to go back to bed, and hide under the covers? I get like that occasionally too. When I was working, eons ago, back in the ark, there were no ‘doona days.’  You were sick or you were there! Mental health did not rate a mention.

Recently I discovered that I have a previously unknown default position when it comes to pain, heartache, stress and strain. I’ve learnt that what seems to be normal day after day—may not actually BE normal! And what seems to be a part of who you think you are – may not be the real you after all! Sometimes we simply adapt our behaviour to fit in and cope with life’s difficulties. 

My mother died a week ago. She was 97, almost 98 years old. At the end she had cancer and awful pain. However, other people’s expectations of my response to this sad situation showed me that I apparently wasn’t grieving enough. Everybody I spoke to seemed to think I should be distraught and practically paralytic. They were, of course, being very sympathetic and kind at the same time, but I constantly felt like I was giving the wrong response to their sad, empathetic faces.

So I got stuck between their expectations, and my own reactions. In those moments I was incredibly grateful for all the intercessory prayer that came my way  … but, to be honest, I simply wanted everything about it all to just go away! Yesterday, the Lord Himself helped me, and I want to share here what I’ve learned from Him — in case somebody else finds my little story resonates with them.

I’ve learnt no matter how hard we try, we can all get stuck. Maybe you may have been stuck in something that put a ceiling on your growth because you’ve labelled some things as too hard. I know I’ve done that! My ‘ceiling’ kept telling me how much I could manage … then my own judgement of myself kicked in, and pointed out that anything over and above that, was just “too much and too hard.“

I’ve been in the land of ‘too much ’ for a week or so, since she died. But then a very sweet palliative care lady took the time to explain to me that there is no right way to grieve. We are all individuals and what seems right to me may not be right for you. Everybody’s got a story… What this lady said was such a relief!! Sometimes my own ideas of right and wrong, seem to overpower whatever the Lord is saying to me, and the result is I zone out and become deaf spiritually. However, the Holy Spirit has been incredibly gracious, He persevered with me.

The Lord gave mum and I two very sweet years at the end of her life, when I was able to tell her sincerely that I dearly loved her, and she returned that affection very vocally toward hubby and I. What a blessing that was! The more I talked to the Holy Spirit, the more I realised that He had helped me complete everything He wanted me to do for her.

It can be hard to cope when your sole parent is the most difficult person in your life, simply because you are very different people. During these last days, we forgave each other, and we also had fun and laughed together. So the reason I wasn’t weeping all the time, was that I had nothing to cry about, our situation had been turned around, and … praise God, I know where she is now! 

Hubby and I spent a lot of time talking to her about the Lord and how much He loves her. Although she is no longer here with us, something I had longed to see for 52 years, had finally happened. I’d been praying and hoping that my mother and I would both get to a new place at the same time! The Holy Spirit wonderfully answered me, and He did it all without any help from me! 

I know a happy ending may not occur for everyone, but today I wanted to share that there are also times that it can. I want to pass on the hope that even seemingly impossible situations can be turned around. Our God has a plan. We don’t always understand what He is doing, because our eyes have been dimmed by the sorrow and suffering of this world.

Opting out of dealing with difficult things means we are left with unanswered questions, and He is much too kind and loving, to want us to live with the terrible pain of loss, and things being unsaid, and unresolved. The land of regret is a terrible place. He knows the right moment for you and your loved one to reconcile. Bye. 🙌

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:..” Ecclesiastes 3:1a.

P 3019 Get on with it …

/ DVH

Hebrews 12:1-3 “Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, Who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how He did it. Because He never lost sight of where He was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—He could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now He’s there, in the place of honour, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility He plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!”

Postponing our contribution to whatever God is doing right now, leads to eventual non-participation. Life roars along — it almost flies through the air, at times … then it lands on us!  And we can’t easily get out from under it. We all know there is always going to be stuff:  things like opposition, or situations that put pressure on us, and things in our immediate family that need to be taken care of. That’s why verses like these 3 in Hebrews 12 are so accurate, and pointy, all-at-the-same-time! It’s the Message version, by the way.

I’ve written about the following situation as an example. My 97 year old mother is now in palliative care, the powers-that-be don’t know how long she has left in this world. In my opinion their guesses will be all wrong anyway, because they don’t know my mum! She’s determined, and strong-willed and she won’t go anywhere unless she is ready. She has had to be this way, all her life, she was her own parent from 5 years of age. We’ve spent ages with her, lovingly explaining when the Lord comes for her, she definitely needs to go when she is called. In my opinion Jesus is the only Person that she will move on for!

The Lord spoke to us about this situation before we left to take blankets etc. into cold places. After all we were going away and, of course I’m bound to be concerned because I don’t want to leave my mum alone in case something happens to her. I’m just being real here OK? This whole thing is not about whether she is coming or going in this life — for me it is about me being there for her when she leaves. She is my sole parent, and I am an only child, so that responsibility falls on me.

That’s when the Lord reminded me of this verse: “He (Jesus) said to another man, “Follow Me.” But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:59&60. 

I’m like: “Well, that’s not the answer I was hoping for!” And suddenly I found a whole lot of inside stuff I didn’t know was there. Things like … how could I even think about leaving her alone at a time like this? Or what will other people say if we trundle off and leave her when she is dying? Obligation hit me like a train. “Good children” are supposed to be there for their parents in a crisis to help them. Meanwhile, for your info, on yet another occasion, the Lord also accused the Pharisees of using the law to avoid their  filial responsibilities – which is why we need His wisdom every single time!

Then the Lord came up with this fantastic thought, He said: “Ask her what she thinks.” Well, she smiled at both of us and said: “Of course you must go!” So, as you know, we did. I had to wrangle with my feelings for a bit, but I eventually went back into His peace. I asked my daughter-in-love to keep an eye on mum and she faithfully went to see her for us. Then I remembered that Jesus had to leave His mother behind when He died. Suddenly that didn’t seem such a little thing anymore. I know that Jesus loved His mother just like I love mine!

You see, our society puts all kinds of expectations on us, and we can be grounded by them. Then we can’t fly like the Lord wants us to, because … well, you know the reasons … but part of us running after Him will mean sometimes we must leave others behind. Otherwise we will end up with one foot nailed to the floor, going nowhere fast. One of the most difficult things to do in the Christian life is to obey God and not let fear of man, or even human consideration for other people stop you – while you are doing it. Of course this has to be done prayerfully, with oversight, or you can end up doing exactly the same thing—for totally the wrong reasons!

The Christian life is full of widely, wildly different alternatives. The only hope we have to make it through these scenarios is to know His voice, and obey Him. Plus I always ask for His voice through the scriptures! I refuse to just listen to voices. satan can disguise himself as an angel of light. When I am in doubt, I give everything back to Jesus and then I make sure I leave it there. The God Who made this world can deal with my inadequacies and fears, and letting go is a good beginning.

However, there are times when we don’t get answers, because we’ve allowed double mindedness to step in. When that happens to me, I try to repent quickly and then wait for further instructions. We’ve seen my mum since we’ve been back, and she was fine about our 8 day absence. She loved the photos we’ve shown her, as well as the testimonies, and even more importantly – she realised she was part of what we did because of her faith that He would take care of all of us. 

I do hope this little testimony helps somebody who needs to know that God can do anything but fail. What we need to do, sometimes, is just get on with it. Bless you! 👋.

P 2750 Death. We can’t avoid it.

/ DVH

There is no greater privilege than walking with someone else to the end of their earthly journey.  But this life today seems to be more about convenience, and carefully portioning out our time to do relevant, useful, fun things, as well as ordinary, everyday, necessary things. Death is not a significant subject in our society at all. It is as though we think that if we even mention it, that robber of joy will turn up at our house – always uninvited. But this life starts on its own timetable and it finishes the same way.

Most babies are born into this world regardless of our busy lives. One of mine was a month late, another was 3 weeks overdue. I thought I had turned into an elephant both times and I’m not talking about my size! (Elephants can gestate for 18 -20 months). I thought 10 months for a whole human being was a bit excessive myself! Moo..ving on from birth…

… back to my point. Death is not a subject that fits into our timetables. Just like the beginning of this life can be quite unpredictable, we all know that we have an undisclosed appointment with death. Are you cheered up yet??  Me neither! But I serve at the pleasure of the King and today’s blog was His idea. Yay! Meanwhile what are you so gloomy about? I could be closer to that event than you are. 🤪

As Christians we happily announce to the world that death has been swallowed up in victory and then we spend our time here deliberately not thinking about the fact that we are all finite! This subject only comes up, if someone close to us dies, or we are faced with that particular door into the unknown ourselves. Even faith that is steadfast wobbles a bit. Then suddenly death is a spectre looming in our faces, that steals our joy and enthusiasm for living. It creates a gaping wound inside us, and our revisited losses leave us inconsolable. 

However, walking the last mile with someone who is on that particular journey is an honour and a privilege. Caring for a dying person … at a time when their own families may fail them … that is a pure gift of love. Helping others transition from this life to the next is an honour, chosen by very few people – yet we need them.

We must be grateful to the ones who chose this kind of career – they are special. Their palliative, loving care is invaluable to the person who may already be very afraid, as well as in great pain. These people have the privilege of guiding someone prayerfully, carefully, through all the emotional upheaval, the physical ramifications, and the practicalities of dying and leaving this world behind them. Dying often involves suffering – and nobody enjoys going through that — or watching someone else do it either.

Right now, this minute, 106 people are about to leave this world behind – and that happens every single minute of every day. For most of those people this last journey is a journey into the unknown. Only the most adventurous, or the most despairing amongst us anticipate this last adventure. The people who care for the terminally ill are literally called by God Himself, to hold the dying soul’s hand and comfort and care for them, physically and emotionally. It is an opportunity for Love Himself to reach out and touch us at our most vulnerable. Jesus was incredibly kind to anyone He met that was suffering or dying even while He was dying Himself. Remember the men next to Him on the cross?

Dying is a normal part of our lives here on earth. Our civilisation has estranged itself from this process because of our distaste for it. That often leaves the suffering person all alone to manage one of the hardest journeys of their existence. The people who work in palliative care with those who are dying, are heroes to me. They put aside their own inner feelings, fears, and comfort, to make sure that this person is cared for to the end.  

Christians are often looking for ‘spiritual’ careers, yet very few job seekers consider ministering to the lost, dying souls who no longer have hope in this world. As well as standing by to comfort the families that are facing the inevitable. We usually leave that kind of ministry to ministers, imams, monks, priests, chaplains and pastors – the so-called ‘experts’ about the important things of this life. 

I felt the Lord wanted me to remind us all about praying or caring for the desperately sick, dying and lost. Being someone’s carer, nurse, nurse’s aid, doctor, or even someone who looks after people in palliative care is an honour. Love always looks like something. To a dying person it looks like hope for what comes next. 😶