Mental health

P 3079 Stuck!

/ DVH

“Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,…” Philippians 3:14.

“Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.” James 1:23-24.                                                        

“I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.“ Philippians 3:14. 

It’s not the falling over that gets you – it’s all the effort it takes to get up again! But these verses offer us some great comforting advice and we should take it. Our lives have been redesigned so that now we can both live forgetting the past and pressing in toward our future in Christ. This means that if I want my past left behind, then I should leave your past offences toward me behind too. I guess that is why the writer used the word STRAINING! 

Choosing to become forgetful of the past is one of the biggest assignments of our faith. My problem can be a lie the devil chucks at me … It feels like, if I forget what you did to me then I am letting you off the hook. You can go and do the same thing, or even worse, to me next time! At the bottom of our lack of forgetfulness toward people who have really hurt us, is a lack of trust. I don’t trust you because I think you have given me good reasons not to trust you. I probably don’t even trust the Lord to deal with you – and ps I actually think He should take you off to the woodshed and give you a good whopping!

Let’s look at the situation this way: The above verses are part of a process, they are not the end game. The end game is …press on!  But to do that, we will need to be actively engaged in forgetting what is past. At the same time I will need to remember and face what I actually look like, because I can get so used to highlighting your faults that most of the time, I can’t see mine! In my mind your faults make mine look tiny. That kind of blindness is part of a defence system.

The reality is that I want to stay mad at you, because you did something so terrible I can’t let you be close to me again because I cannot bear the hurt again. That hurt may manifest itself in anger, like I said yesterday, because someone has punctured my little smiley-face balloon persona, and now I’ve found out that I am not the nice person I thought I was.  My real sin is not just unforgiveness, it is that my flesh is in charge, not my spirit, and this other person has forced me to face myself. 

I can kid myself that I am a nice person, especially if everyone around me plays fair, and no-one pokes the bear inside me. But when someone pokes that bear, suddenly I know that I truly need saving. Yet I still have a place I can hide in, because I can tell myself that I am not that bad. YOU made me look that bad because you did thus and thus and made life difficult for me.

Because of this almost unconscious process, I can exonerate myself from my own personal responsibility and I pass all the responsibility for my actions over to you. That is just so dumb on so many levels! One of them is that I already don’t like you, and yet I’m putting you in charge of my behaviour. The bible clearly tells me what I look like at that moment, because my focus is on you, it clouds my view of myself in His mirror, and I then I walk away SMUG. Sadly, I can also dirty up the mirror of God’s word with religion and good works.

But spiritually I am stuck. This following story is an illustration of what stuck can look like. I have been to Anne Hathaway’s house in England. ‘Shakespeare country.’ In the houses back then, there were solid beams going from the roof to the floor, and the floor consisted of stone paving. At the bottom of one such beam I noticed a deep groove. I asked the guide what it was, and they told me it was a post-middle ages’ method of keeping a tiny tot safe. 

The parent would strap the child into a leather harness and the kid walked round and round the beam. The beam was not all that big, so the kid must have been bored out of its gourd going round and round! These things were commonly used in those times. It’s a wonder kids didn’t turn out to be a little doolally … temporarily deranged and/or feeble minded! They were totally stuck there – all in the name of safety!

Let’s take a look at how to move forward from being stuck. I need to actively choose to forget the old and press forward toward the new. There is a new place for you and I to occupy together, it is a place where hopefully, both of us let go of the past, and begin to look toward a new and different relationship. We have given up trying to make the old one that we had work, because it didn’t.  It is foolish to keep repeating old behaviour patterns, when they just lead us into the same old holes. And so now we choose to start again to rebuild trust between us.

We can use the Word of God as our guide, instead of our past experiences, or even our personal needs. As we look into His Word, we will discover that both of us have faults that have affected our ability to relate to each other in a Godly fashion. Instead we have chosen to look into His Word deliberately, to find places we both need transformation! That’s what pressing on looks like. We move beyond being stuck in our fleshly desires and wants, and press forward into doing what He wants. Bye. 👋

P 3054 Opting out.

/ DVH

Do you ever want to go back to bed, and hide under the covers? I get like that occasionally too. When I was working, eons ago, back in the ark, there were no ‘doona days.’  You were sick or you were there! Mental health did not rate a mention.

Recently I discovered that I have a previously unknown default position when it comes to pain, heartache, stress and strain. I’ve learnt that what seems to be normal day after day—may not actually BE normal! And what seems to be a part of who you think you are – may not be the real you after all! Sometimes we simply adapt our behaviour to fit in and cope with life’s difficulties. 

My mother died a week ago. She was 97, almost 98 years old. At the end she had cancer and awful pain. However, other people’s expectations of my response to this sad situation showed me that I apparently wasn’t grieving enough. Everybody I spoke to seemed to think I should be distraught and practically paralytic. They were, of course, being very sympathetic and kind at the same time, but I constantly felt like I was giving the wrong response to their sad, empathetic faces.

So I got stuck between their expectations, and my own reactions. In those moments I was incredibly grateful for all the intercessory prayer that came my way  … but, to be honest, I simply wanted everything about it all to just go away! Yesterday, the Lord Himself helped me, and I want to share here what I’ve learned from Him — in case somebody else finds my little story resonates with them.

I’ve learnt no matter how hard we try, we can all get stuck. Maybe you may have been stuck in something that put a ceiling on your growth because you’ve labelled some things as too hard. I know I’ve done that! My ‘ceiling’ kept telling me how much I could manage … then my own judgement of myself kicked in, and pointed out that anything over and above that, was just “too much and too hard.“

I’ve been in the land of ‘too much ’ for a week or so, since she died. But then a very sweet palliative care lady took the time to explain to me that there is no right way to grieve. We are all individuals and what seems right to me may not be right for you. Everybody’s got a story… What this lady said was such a relief!! Sometimes my own ideas of right and wrong, seem to overpower whatever the Lord is saying to me, and the result is I zone out and become deaf spiritually. However, the Holy Spirit has been incredibly gracious, He persevered with me.

The Lord gave mum and I two very sweet years at the end of her life, when I was able to tell her sincerely that I dearly loved her, and she returned that affection very vocally toward hubby and I. What a blessing that was! The more I talked to the Holy Spirit, the more I realised that He had helped me complete everything He wanted me to do for her.

It can be hard to cope when your sole parent is the most difficult person in your life, simply because you are very different people. During these last days, we forgave each other, and we also had fun and laughed together. So the reason I wasn’t weeping all the time, was that I had nothing to cry about, our situation had been turned around, and … praise God, I know where she is now! 

Hubby and I spent a lot of time talking to her about the Lord and how much He loves her. Although she is no longer here with us, something I had longed to see for 52 years, had finally happened. I’d been praying and hoping that my mother and I would both get to a new place at the same time! The Holy Spirit wonderfully answered me, and He did it all without any help from me! 

I know a happy ending may not occur for everyone, but today I wanted to share that there are also times that it can. I want to pass on the hope that even seemingly impossible situations can be turned around. Our God has a plan. We don’t always understand what He is doing, because our eyes have been dimmed by the sorrow and suffering of this world.

Opting out of dealing with difficult things means we are left with unanswered questions, and He is much too kind and loving, to want us to live with the terrible pain of loss, and things being unsaid, and unresolved. The land of regret is a terrible place. He knows the right moment for you and your loved one to reconcile. Bye. 🙌

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:..” Ecclesiastes 3:1a.

P 2984 I haven’t got time for what you think of me.

/ DVH

Yeah, I know, cheeky eh? I’ve learnt that there are huge blessings in getting older — it’s like the biggest secret ever. Your bones may snap, crackle and pop, and your brain can’t always find the file you need in your head. But  I try not to concentrate too hard on the fact that my cheese is slowly sliding off my cracker! Mainly because I also run out of energy easily, so I have had to learn to prioritise.

I think that’s why some older people go doodle-lally as they age – they think they need to keep desperately trying to do the things they’ve done all their lives …  Old bodies aren’t designed to do the things young ones can do. I think of it like this – I’ve had my turn on the stage of life, it is time to stand in the wings and encourage the younger players. You don’t have to bow out, just be a mentor to someone else! You could start by teaching grandchildren to cook, most mums are too busy juggling a hundred things and trying not to drop one of them.

Meanwhile, brain cells dying off are actually a real thing! Don’t feel bad about it, or try to stretch yourself so you look like you are still 21, or 44, or some made-up end-figure. If you are older, you have other benefits to replace the instant clarity you enjoyed when you were younger. Things like this: you don’t feel the urge to constantly rush about, because you’ve learnt things have a way of taking care of themselves. You also hopefully learnt it’s OK to make mistakes, mainly because nowadays you can’t help doing it! 

Moses made a huge mistake at the end of his life… let’s just leave that out there, and say no more. After all He WAS Moses! Abraham kept playing pass the parcel with his poor dear wife Sarah – who was a very patient woman if you think about it.  And let’s not go into Job either … yet that old man ended up wiser in the end than he was when he started out. Just don’t ever give up on learning about, and from, the Lord!

And … here comes another benefit … when you get older, meditation comes more easily. At least once a day I end up meditating on the back of my eyelids – it’s really productive. I feel refreshed afterwards. It’s OK, by the way, my eyelids are both still there and functioning, I just can’t control when I close them as well as I used to. When I was younger I was always busy, but I also remember that being younger and having a family, you are often too busy facilitating other people’s lives. The only thing you end up meditating on is the rapidly growing pile of unpaid bills.

So, here is my text for today:“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. 

And here’s my observation. If there is a time for everything, then God has His eye on everything and we don’t have to worry about it. Which is why: “Oh well,” is rapidly becoming my new favourite saying. I know that  rich king, Solomon, who wrote this book said … ‘there is a time’ a lot.  He was a bit repetitive, but I find his sayings strangely reassuring. It means we need to take a breath when one of the aforementioned tough things land on us. When you get older you have time to sort stuff out and pray over it. There are lots of advantages to being older! Some of those things make me feel better about not being able to cash in on: “there’s a time to dance. ” I grew wa-ay past that place … ages ago!

Hallelujah! I am so glad there’s a time for everything and anything – even opposite things. Some Christians act like some of these ugly things aren’t in the bible. We all feel hate, just don’t camp there. Jesus would not have told us what to do about hatred etc. if we didn’t need to know it! My advice is don’t build a village around your feelings … move on. It’s OK to cry, just don’t let it be your lifestyle. There are so many sides to life’s spectrum – enjoy them all. The bad things make the good things even sweeter.  

Jesus had wa-ay more wisdom than Solomon anyway. Check out what He said about these negative things. However banning things, and making rules, usually encourages people to hide what’s going on when they can’t seem to avoid how they feel! This collection of verses totally reassures me that God knows about everything that goes on down here on planet Earth, and He has a plan, a purpose, an end-game for each one of them. YAAAAAAAY! SomeBody Else is in charge and it doesn’t have to be me! Remember, our God understands ‘old.’ He’s not called the Ancient of Days for nothing! 

In this later season of my life I am learning that bad things are total time wasters that can leave you feeling unfulfilled, ashamed and guilty. You wish you had never stuck your head down whatever rabbit hole that popped up in front of you, because your head can get stuck in there. Reflection comes easier with age. But, the truth is, I haven’t got time for what you think of me, because you probably DON’T! You are way too busy, and you have better things on your mind —- good for you. Bye. 👋

P 2959 Thank God for the brethren!

/ DVH

Our God is always amazing, and so are His kids. However this week has been just plain terrible at our house! My 97 year old Mum was diagnosed with cancer out of the blue. She has been merrily making plans to reach 100, when she had a hiccup and was bundled off to hospital. The tests they did showed that she is actually very ill.

When someone is 97 you really don’t expect they will live forever, down here, but the finality of that diagnosis was completely confronting for me. She’s as cheerful as ever, if not slightly confused, but able to communicate quite well. On the other hand, I’m not at all cheerful about it. Yet at the same time I have been thanking the Lord over and over again for helping us to restore our relationship into something that is much better than it has ever been before. Fortunately, thanks to modern medicine, so far she is not suffering.

This is one of those situations that you don’t know how you will feel until you get there. Yet I keep giving the whole thing to the Lord, over and over again. The result has been that everything seems OK — and then it isn’t — and I never know when “it isn’t” is going to turn up!  I’ve been struggling with the seriousness of the situation, and how to help her and do whatever is necessary. So I take it back, worry over it, try to figure it out — then I give it back to the Lord again. Only to take it back ten minutes later. Double mindedness is appalling, it has a high cost in mental health!

I really do credit any semblance of sanity I have right now to my family’s prayers, and I include my brothers and sisters in Christ in that statement – they are definitely my family too. We cannot ever underestimate the power of intercessory prayer on our behalf. Yesterday, I saw it powerfully in action, again, regarding ongoing damage to our home. Cyclone Alfred messed up a lot of people’s homes, there was flooding and major damage all over the place. If that happens to be you, you have my prayers and deep sympathy. At our house that extremely unfriendly weather system caused a floor in one room a whole lot of damage. The problem is not the damage, which will be fixed … eventually… 

…the problem is getting it fixed! Plus the 4,000 proposed ways to do it. Then comes paying for it! Our insurance company trotted out the whole ‘existing problem’ clause, so that was that. Picking one of the many ways to go ahead seems to have overloaded my brain, which keeps skiving off into grief. Fortunately my dearest hubby is brilliant and steadfast, and he has prayed extensively about this situation. Under any circumstances, two really are better than one! I don’t usually write much about stuff like this, but I fell headfirst down a figurative mine-hole and I have quite simply needed other people’s prayers to deal with my mental and emotional responses, because I just can’t manage this stuff without Jesus.

I decided to share these things here, because this is the kind of scenario that can derail us. Simply because it is unexpected. And to be perfectly honest with you, I’m so sick of the whole “I’m fine” Christian-ese stuff we all feel obligated to cough up. So I decided to drop the positive attitude facade, and just be honest with you. I’m NOT fine … but I know He will get me through this. One of the things I wanted to say today was, when bad stuff happens – don’t be too proud to ask for help.

Today I have a bit more clarity, and I’ve been able to surrender everything that is going on to the Lord … and leave it there. Hubby has come up with a great plan, and he has been just marvellous with my mother. You know, sometimes it is not what has happened that gets you, its the overwhelming varied endless advice, and never-ending meetings and discussions. 

I can’t imagine what I would do if my mother had not made her own wishes clear. Nobody wants to hear “not to be resuscitated’ over their parent, no matter how long they’ve been alive. My brain gets it, but my emotions have been screaming: “You’ve got to save her.”  Plus even though a flooded floor is minor in comparison, it seems major right now because of the endless conjecture on how it can be fixed. I have been reduced to taking one minute at a time, because my thoughts and emotions have decided they do not have to consult me about anything!

Two days ago I was crying in the dentist chair. It hurt, but it wasn’t that bad! When you are already physically depleted by ongoing health issues, these kinds of battles batter at your faith, and planning a funeral was not on my agenda! So here I am, with His strength as the ONLY source in my weakness. Plus I am very grateful to the people who are currently holding my arms up.

Lastly I would like to ask for forgiveness if I have hurt anyone while they were going through something that overwhelmed them to the point of despair. I honestly didn’t completely understand how quickly the ground can go from under your feet. “Even when bad things happen to the good and Godly ones, the Lord will save them and not let them be defeated by what they face.” Psalm 34:19. Bless you guys, you know who you are! 🙏