manipulating

P 3394 Do you react or respond?

/ DVH

This subject has been a difficulty for many of us. If you have lived with a reactionary parent, you may find yourself reacting to antagonistic stimuli almost automatically. The people who illustrated this trait toward us, could also be our biggest source of distress, irritation and pain. Often the person who is led by this trait is impulsive, and they regularly need some sort of diversion. They live almost on the edge of their nerves and they have no peace in them permanently.

I think doing things on impulse can be great fun, I have done it myself … but doing it continually makes for an unstable, unsettled lifestyle. What I have written here is not aiming at criticism, it is simply my best illustration of what over-reaction can do. It can quickly destabilise situations and usher in instability for others. Someone with a temper might say: “That’s just me. I flare up, but I cool down again.” I’ve found when this situation happens to me, I’m often reacting to a perceived slight, or word out of place, rather than responding to whatever is really going on. Human beings need stability, that’s why the Lord Jesus is so incredible – “He’s the same, yesterday, today and forever.”  Hebrews 13:8. He’s stable.

The insecurity created by a reactionary response can foster a deep sense of fear of things being out of control. (PS It is much better if we leave Jesus in control – fighting for control leads us to a much darker path!) Because of my own upbringing, I had a huge need to study everyone, including those close to me, carefully. Purely because I was afraid of what might come next! So I learnt to read faces, and body language to help me deflect aggression before it started. That BTW, is still a reaction!

Reacting to a situation actually means something else, or someone else is controlling us. Something unforeseen has happened and we act defensively so we can cope but then we can easily be provoked further. I don’t want to get into a debate about whether this or that is right or wrong. Instead I think we give away our ability to rationally work our way through things when we react. It took me years to realise my reaction to someone else’s instability meant I was also reacting! But I did that stuff inside my head. I was simply managing and manipulating any potential ugly circumstances beforehand, so I could pacify or placate the difficult person or circumstances.

Father God has gently peeled back the layers of anger, despair and heartache, and He showed me that I wasn’t actually escaping, instead I was becoming just like the person who was treating ME like that! He began to teach me to respond instead of reacting. Reacting means we let someone else’s actions define or create a deficit in us. However, responding is about making a quality decision about our own situation or someone’s actions toward us. Reacting is much easier than responding – our feelings jump in and they are trying to control things we feel we can’t control any other way. We need to turn to Jesus, not a default system. Control in any form, and Christianity do not mix. 

Responding means you take a second to think about what is in front of you, and ask the Lord to give you His plan. Sometimes He says to me: “Just wait…”  One thing I’ve learnt is that some reactionary people don’t like waiting, they want the difficulty escalated or resolved, NOW! But responders assess, pause, and then they act. If we are having problems with a reactionary person, waiting can prompt the other person to get even madder. This type of person doesn’t like that potential silent space, it doesn’t fit their “accelerate into war,” or “fix it now” agenda. However, somebody else’s anger is not our problem. Instead we need to ask the Holy Spirit to help us say something soft to turn away that wrath that’s coming for us. 

I’m learning to say: “You really matter to me. Let’s not damage our relationship, instead let’s turn down the heat and talk about it quietly.” Responding means you have taken control of yourself, and your own feelings. This is one of the ways we can cultivate the fruit of self-control. Our feelings aren’t useless, they just don’t have good leadership skills, because they don’t make good decisions under pressure. I have learnt when I wait, that the Lord will give me a scripture to hold onto. It helps me to bolster my faith, and it gives me something concrete to stand on. It helps me with my own response. Confronting a reactionary person is not necessarily the best time to use that word as a sword. That might only escalate things. 

However responding treats the other person like they have rights too. Controlling others so we can feel OK about ourselves, and get what we want, is not a good Godly plan. The bible says we get our worth in Christ. Our value comes from what He has done for us. When we choose to pause, then we have some time to choose to how to respond under the Holy Spirit’s guidance. If we read the entire story about Christ’s torture, punishment and death, we can see that He chose to be silent in the face of blatant untruths. His response was to say nothing. Responders understand they have the power to make things better. 

Like the scripture says in my blog heading: “I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I PRESS ON …” Philippians 3:13,14a. Bye. 👋

P 3133 Confusion occurs.

/ DVH

When I was much younger in the Lord we used to sing a song that went like this: “I’ve found a new way of living, I’ve found a new life divine, I’ve got the fruit of the Spirit, I’m abiding, I’m abiding, abiding in the Vine.” The trouble was we had the theory… but we weren’t changed and we didn’t produce the fruit. In the end up we kind of doubted Almighty God because nothing happened no matter how sincerely we sang it! Singing the song happily over and over again made no difference. Sadly we didn’t even wonder if that song needed our careful, attentive follow-up. 

So on we sailed, bubbling along thinking that saying it was as good as doing it, and many wonderful people fell right off the Vine, malformed and undernourished, because singing a song probably won’t change anyone’s rotten attitude. Please don’t get me wrong, I think that song is a gorgeous statement about a wonderful reality – the trouble was my generation never did get to the reality! 

Meanwhile we were still privately and secretly, grumbling at, gossiping about – our spouses, kids, Christian friends, rabbits and relations and our neighbours! Everybody chose to forget that –“out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” Which means if that stuff is coming out, then it is IN THERE. And yes, I don’t much like that idea either.

There is nothing wrong with singing songs like the one above – but it is our hearts that need transformation, not the worship lists! Worshipping and praising God in song is brilliant – do it! Sing to yourself in the shower or the car. The bible says this: “Don’t drink too much wine. That cheapens your life.Drink the Spirit of God, huge drafts of Him. Sing hymns instead of drinking songs! Sing songs from your heart to Christ. Sing praises over everything, any excuse for a song to God the Father in the name of our Master, Jesus Christ.” Ephesians 5:18.  

Start by drinking in the Spirit of God, as you step out to obey Him. How many countless times has God’s great MERCY stopped us from overstepping ourselves? Praise Him! But we still need to revise any methodology that supports fake attitudes and responses, and get busy dealing with our own internal issues.

“Beloved ones, God has called us to live a life of freedom. But don’t view this wonderful freedom as an excuse to set up a base of operations in the natural realm. Constantly love each other and be committed to serve one another. For all the law can be summarised in one grand statement: “Demonstrate love to your neighbour, even as you care for and love yourself.” But if you continue to criticise and come against each other over minor issues, you’re acting like wild beasts trying to destroy one another!” Galatians 5:13-15 TPT.

When awful thoughts fly through my mind, I need to grab God’s butterfly net (the Word) on purpose! And capture the junk, then transform it by doing whatever He tells me to do. The reality is, what He says is current, not something I just cherry-picked out of the book to suit my feelings. I remember the Lord speaking to me about my nasty attitude toward one of my parents, I called it defending myself, however, God called it disobedience!

He has clearly told us in His book, to honour our parents that it may be well with us. I’m pretty sure complaining about them to everyone within earshot doesn’t qualify! Instead of spending my time thinking how to avoid family members who drove me bonkers, I had to pray that He will show me how to obey Him and bless them… “bless those who persecute you and despitefully use you …”  We don’t have to deny the injury someone does to us, we simply need to choose a different response. That’s what love does.

That’s when He told me this person’s love language was time spent with them … and I needed to give them time… which was the very thing I didn’t want to do!  It took me ages to realise that doing it, didn’t mean I had to love it! God could care two cents about our feelings, they change on the wind. I cannot praise the Lord enough for taking the time to deal with me over issues like this one.

I had no guarantee any time I went to see this person that they wouldn’t stab my bleeding heart all over again whenever I saw them. But again, the Lord showed me something else that helped me. This person had no idea, not a thought in their elderly head that they were hurting me. They were simply manipulating situations to get what they wanted. It wasn’t personal!

We need these kinds of revelations for the people around us who drive us up a wall. Humanly speaking, we are not equipped to deal with massive abuse or rejection, and so we retreat or lash out. There’s another way. We need to remind ourselves that if what we read or sing does not lead us into action, we are wasting our time. Confusion occurs when we just sing or say things, we need to act on what He has told us in His book. Bye. 👋 

PS. Singing helps lifts our spirits so we can obey Him willingly.

P 2504 NEVER underestimate the power in forgiveness.

/ DVH

When we forgive others, especially if and when they don’t deserve it …  this means we are His disciples, we are following Jesus. Plus we are living in obedience to the Lord’s commandment to “…love one another ...”  The idea that we cannot forgive people is a lie, it’s from the pit. However, forgiveness is not lip-service. It is a promise that I won’t hold whatever has happened against you again. That’s the WAY Christ forgave us!

Jesus Christ released all the power we will ever need to overcome sin, sickness and the devil from the cross. However, we cannot successfully walk in that power without cultivating a relationship with the Holy Spirit. We receive the power to be transformed, when we receive and welcome Him into our lives. Unforgiveness is not an option to us! This process will kill off the old man in us.

“Then Jesus came to them and said, “All power in heaven and on earth is given to Me…” Matthew 28:18 “But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins”—He then said to the paralytic—“Rise, pick up your bed and go home.” And he rose and went home. When the crowds saw it, they were afraid, and they glorified God, who had given such authority to MEN.” Matthew 9:6-8. “I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.” Luke 10:19. “But you will receive power and ability when the Holy Spirit comes upon you; and you will be My witnesses [to tell people about Me] both in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and Samaria, and even to the ends of the earth.” Acts:1:8. The very foundation stone of God’s kingdom is forgiveness!

Forgiving people means you are releasing His power, and His Grace into that situation. It is no different than healing a headache or raising the dead. These things take choices, together with His Grace, particularly if the other person/s have deliberately and consistently hurt you. But Jesus died to give us that power. Now the power of His incredible forgiveness has been released all over this earth – it cannot be stopped! “Whose sins you shall forgive, they are forgiven; whose sins you shall retain, are retained.” John 20:23. 

Unfortunately we also have power from Him to continue to hold people right where they are. If we don’t forgive them, then they will be stuck. Because sin separates humanity from God – the only way to remedy that is to release His Grace into someone else’s life. Maybe they will change, maybe they will not – they have a free will. However we will be changed by doing it –  we will no longer be held captive by other people’s sins. We have been given the power to speak GRACE and LIFE into others. We cannot walk in the power of the risen Christ unless we live in the land of constant forgiveness -.His  kingdom!

Unforgiveness is the Christian’s Kryptonite. It renders us weak, powerless, helpless and hopeless — those things are the exact opposite of everything Jesus died to give us. It literally is like this — unforgiveness nails one foot to the floor and the person goes round and round and round – getting nowhere. If you have noticed you are going nowhere spiritually – ask the Lord:  “Who do I need to forgive?”

I am not talking about chasing rabbit trails, I am talking about anybody in your life that makes you grit your teeth, or want to go hide in a cupboard. Anybody you see as hurting you, or being stronger than you are, is oppressing you. We cannot be oppressed when we are choosing His Ways – our choice to live differently frees us. Now, today, we’ve already been taken out of this world’s kingdom, and translated into the kingdom of His marvellous light. Other people can only hold us captive with our permission.

This is why we need to choose between anger and revenge – and peace and grace. People have been free inside in the worst prisons, because “… those whom the Son has set free shall be free indeed.” The first port of call we have in any given situation is forgiveness. Park there. Don’t move from that spot. I have been forgiving some people who can’t see me at all, yet they think they know me. Unfortunately they have kept right on hurting me for 70+ years – it is possible to forgive in the presence of persecution. The people who practice forgiveness are kingdom people.

Meanwhile, FYI, hating, hurting, manipulating or controlling others is not Godly. When a Christian lives like that, it is a sign that they have not yet had a revelation about the freedom they have been given to choose to live in His kingdom! They are valuing the enemy’s usurped pitiful power, over the real power Jesus gave us freely. Real power CREATES, it does not destroy! It is far more powerful to forgive. Those ugly things in anyone’s life will suck every single bit of joy, peace, and holiness out of our lives like a straw drains a milkshake! Those things destroy families.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” James 5:16. Never underestimate the POWER of forgiveness. 👋🏻.