This subject has been a difficulty for many of us. If you have lived with a reactionary parent, you may find yourself reacting to antagonistic stimuli almost automatically. The people who illustrated this trait toward us, could also be our biggest source of distress, irritation and pain. Often the person who is led by this trait is impulsive, and they regularly need some sort of diversion. They live almost on the edge of their nerves and they have no peace in them permanently.
I think doing things on impulse can be great fun, I have done it myself … but doing it continually makes for an unstable, unsettled lifestyle. What I have written here is not aiming at criticism, it is simply my best illustration of what over-reaction can do. It can quickly destabilise situations and usher in instability for others. Someone with a temper might say: “That’s just me. I flare up, but I cool down again.” I’ve found when this situation happens to me, I’m often reacting to a perceived slight, or word out of place, rather than responding to whatever is really going on. Human beings need stability, that’s why the Lord Jesus is so incredible – “He’s the same, yesterday, today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8. He’s stable.
The insecurity created by a reactionary response can foster a deep sense of fear of things being out of control. (PS It is much better if we leave Jesus in control – fighting for control leads us to a much darker path!) Because of my own upbringing, I had a huge need to study everyone, including those close to me, carefully. Purely because I was afraid of what might come next! So I learnt to read faces, and body language to help me deflect aggression before it started. That BTW, is still a reaction!
Reacting to a situation actually means something else, or someone else is controlling us. Something unforeseen has happened and we act defensively so we can cope but then we can easily be provoked further. I don’t want to get into a debate about whether this or that is right or wrong. Instead I think we give away our ability to rationally work our way through things when we react. It took me years to realise my reaction to someone else’s instability meant I was also reacting! But I did that stuff inside my head. I was simply managing and manipulating any potential ugly circumstances beforehand, so I could pacify or placate the difficult person or circumstances.
Father God has gently peeled back the layers of anger, despair and heartache, and He showed me that I wasn’t actually escaping, instead I was becoming just like the person who was treating ME like that! He began to teach me to respond instead of reacting. Reacting means we let someone else’s actions define or create a deficit in us. However, responding is about making a quality decision about our own situation or someone’s actions toward us. Reacting is much easier than responding – our feelings jump in and they are trying to control things we feel we can’t control any other way. We need to turn to Jesus, not a default system. Control in any form, and Christianity do not mix.
Responding means you take a second to think about what is in front of you, and ask the Lord to give you His plan. Sometimes He says to me: “Just wait…” One thing I’ve learnt is that some reactionary people don’t like waiting, they want the difficulty escalated or resolved, NOW! But responders assess, pause, and then they act. If we are having problems with a reactionary person, waiting can prompt the other person to get even madder. This type of person doesn’t like that potential silent space, it doesn’t fit their “accelerate into war,” or “fix it now” agenda. However, somebody else’s anger is not our problem. Instead we need to ask the Holy Spirit to help us say something soft to turn away that wrath that’s coming for us.
I’m learning to say: “You really matter to me. Let’s not damage our relationship, instead let’s turn down the heat and talk about it quietly.” Responding means you have taken control of yourself, and your own feelings. This is one of the ways we can cultivate the fruit of self-control. Our feelings aren’t useless, they just don’t have good leadership skills, because they don’t make good decisions under pressure. I have learnt when I wait, that the Lord will give me a scripture to hold onto. It helps me to bolster my faith, and it gives me something concrete to stand on. It helps me with my own response. Confronting a reactionary person is not necessarily the best time to use that word as a sword. That might only escalate things.
However responding treats the other person like they have rights too. Controlling others so we can feel OK about ourselves, and get what we want, is not a good Godly plan. The bible says we get our worth in Christ. Our value comes from what He has done for us. When we choose to pause, then we have some time to choose to how to respond under the Holy Spirit’s guidance. If we read the entire story about Christ’s torture, punishment and death, we can see that He chose to be silent in the face of blatant untruths. His response was to say nothing. Responders understand they have the power to make things better.
Like the scripture says in my blog heading: “I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I PRESS ON …” Philippians 3:13,14a. Bye. 👋
