Humour

P 3101 Life happens!

/ DVH

Just recently we had someone try to pinch all our financial details. So, we grudgingly packed a cut lunch and then hubby picked up the phone and settled in for the long haul, which means we had to connect to someone in the bank so we can inform them what happened. THAT is a whole day job! We entered the long and dreary world of guess the right extension bingo! Actually we went round and round for a bit, but eventually we found someone who didn’t just want to transfer us somewhere else. I think some people want you to hang up because you are too hard for them, but they are too nice to tell you that. 

An-y-wa-y … finally we gave a real live person our sad little story and the nice person on the other end was prepared to take responsibility to help us fix the ending. It appears someone cloned hubby’s voice. As this never-ending saga gobbled up most of that day, I started to think of clever ideas to stop your voice getting cloned to prevent the whole thing from reoccurring. At the same time we also prayed for the people who thought stealing is a legitimate job! I wonder if they do tax returns? So today I came up with daffy ideas to cheer both of us up.

I wondered if buying a voice-changing device would be a good idea? Good old Amazon has loads of those. You can sound like Darth Vader, or Daffy Duck, or a lady might sound like a man … stuff like that. It could be a bit expensive, we are pensioners after all! But then came bright idea number 2. Buy a helium balloon and breathe in some gas. Um … I’m not quite sure of the long term results of breathing in helium, I’ve been assured it isn’t deadly, but that did seem a bit extreme. I mean, how many people have helium balloons on tap, waiting for a thief to phone up so they can use them? 

So now we’ve hit upon a capital idea. Hubby says his first name and then he waits – the rest is up to the other guy on the other end of the phone. Some people do think they can out-wait you …but they could be wrong! … And so far they have been. Thank God some semblance of order has been restored to our financial situation. We could of course, take our savings and stuff them under the mattress — but then we just might run into another kind of crook, who breaks into your house and wants to make your stuff – THEIR STUFF. 

In the past – long before Jesus and I discussed Who really owns everything we have, when I went on holidays, I hid all my dearly loved items in peculiar places. Not in the freezer! …cos I have it on good authority that thieves look in there! But in totally idiotic hidey holes around the house. There was only one teeny tiny problem with that. By the time I got home again, I had forgotten wherever my precious treasures were hidden and it took me AGES to locate them again. So the Lord kindly reminded me I was hiding my treasures in the wrong place. “Store them up in heaven,” the Holy Spirit said. ‘That’s a great idea.” says I, “where do I find a l-o-n-g ladder?”   

It seems to me that Father God has a great sense of humour and He always has a much better slant on any situation we find ourselves in. I think that’s why Paul said … “all things work together for good.”  He did add,“according to His (the Lord’s) purposes “.. but most people skip that bit because they aren’t quite sure what it means. They just like the beginning of the verse — the ending not-so-much. I decided to think on the phrase according to His purposes more thoroughly. 

This is what I came up with – God’s purpose and our purpose may not always be the same. He wants to save thieves, and we want them to GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL and not pass Go! Like I said, we did pray for them  because they may not have anyone else to do it! Then we asked for the Lord to invade their lives, the way He has invaded ours. After all Jesus had a thief for a disciple, so He knows about stuff like that. Then we blessed them because the bible says to bless people when they persecute you, and despitefully use you. And at the same time we also prayed for our money to come back to us, and, praise God, it did! But that didn’t seem to be the entire point of that phrase… then I found this version of Romans 8:26-28.

“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” MSG.

I think this means a couple of things:  we don’t have to pray right, to get the Lord’s attention. We already have it because we belong to Him. After all, Judas didn’t have to jump up and down for Jesus to speak to him, yet the Lord knew he was a wrong-un. The Holy Spirit is always with us, helping us, whether we know what to pray or not! Isn’t He wonderful? He also keeps us present before God.

The Lord’s purpose for this world is clearly stated in John 3:17: “For God did not send the Son into the world in order to judge (to reject, to condemn, to pass sentence on) the world, but that the world might find salvation and be made safe and sound through Him.” His purpose is to save people, even thieves!  And because He is God and He is always good – HE gets to define good!  Bye.👋

P 2852 Getting older is a gift.

/ DVH

Lately, hubby and I have had to focus on end-of-life-things, because of elderly family. But enjoying those old folks who are ahead of me age-wise, has provided me with a whacky glimpse into my possible future. Through my interactions with them, I’ve discovered the wonderful humour involved in getting older. With all its foibles and fancies. So today I want to share some fun stories with you. You must understand I am not laughing at old folks … I are one! … But the end of our lives can produce circumstances that are just plain hilarious. These things take our pompous, stuffy I’ve-got-it-all-together attitudes, and poke huge holes in them.  It seems we’ve become too vague to realise we aren’t who we were, anymore!!

My dear Mum, is now 97 years old. She has been extremely deaf all her life. Back in the ark, people whacked other people over the ear-hole regularly, and that had dire results for her. She has been terribly deaf as long as I can remember. Moving along from that stuff, because I want to illustrate the funny bits, not the gnash-your-teeth-and-blame-other-people ones. Lately she has been talking about her hearing loss a lot. She went into an old folk’s home years ago, her choice, and … well … those places can leave a lot to be desired unless you go into one of the millionaire ones! She didn’t!

However she’s happy there – she tells us so, often! Most of the time Mum, in her newly discovered forgetfulness, repeats the same caring questions, over and over again, sometimes minutes apart. We just answer her like it is the first time we’ve heard it. I’ve found a useful secret when relating to the elderly – old people love to reminisce. Back to Mum’s ears.

Recently we discovered that she has not been wearing her hearing aids. We figured that out because we’ve had to shout a lot when we went to see her. So hubby trundled off to get her hearing aids checked out – again – that was the third time in as many months. The home cheerfully gave him 5 single hearing aids to be checked out, even though hearing aids are designed to work in pairs! But, apparently, none of them were working. Well, that odd single hearing aid was always going to be out of luck really. Maybe its partner wandered off somewhere or was stood on! That’s when it transpired that the single hearing aid actually belongs to someone else, called Tony. Who is probably wondering why his hearing aids don’t work either! 

And at the same time, we discovered that one of the other whole pairs has enjoyed the wash and rinse cycle in the washing machine. Hearing aids don’t like that …apparently! The final pair of the five aids were issued in 2016. If I were a hearing aid, I think I’d turn up my toes after 8 or 9 years too. So where have my Mum’s brand new hearing aids gone? Not a clue, neither has the staff. Maybe there is an old lady with a few of them stuffed in each ear or someone is flogging used hearing aids on Ebay. Gotcha! Currently there are more new ones on the way … which is useful. Now we can talk to Mum and not disturb the people 3 blocks away.

Hubby has been a geriatric nurse in his past, and he’s told me some funny stories about his experiences with elderly patients. In the olden days if your teeth were bad you got false teeth – but nowadays they give you root canal and crowns. Dentists became very clever about this kind of stuff in the years in between – they all drive BMWs now! Anyhoo! One morning at the home hubby discovered 6 old folks who couldn’t find their false teeth. He investigated and found one old chap who looked rather like a gold fish – you know the puffy ones? Hmmm. They fished out 6 pairs of false teeth from inside his mouth, and none of them were his! The nurses restored the teeth to their rightful owners after a spot of disinfection. 

Then there was a dear old man who had to get up out of his bed every night to go to the toilet. He had formulated a clever system to make sure he could find his bed again, by counting the doors between his room and the toilet. All went well until he tried to return to his room! He carefully counted, got back to his room and lo and behold, someone else was in what was supposed to be his bed! So the old man figured he must have counted incorrectly, and he walked back to the loo, and began again. He did this many times and still came up with the same result. Fortunately a nurse went by and found the poor old chap still wandering up and down the hallway muttering to himself. It transpired that Goldilocks – in the shape of an often-wandering little old lady – had wandered into his room and snaffled his just-right bed! 

On yet another night one elderly lady suddenly stood up on her bed, walked to the end of it, put her foot on the food tray and grasped the curtain rail … all of this without slipping over! And then she hung there like a trapeze artist. Eventually she lost her grip and fell to the floor, on her head. Fortunately, when she got up, she was totally undamaged and after careful X-ray examination, they put her back into her bed. Why would she do such a thing? Who knows? Maybe she liked the monkey bars as a kid! I still think getting older is a gift! Bye for today. 👋

Psalm 73:26: “Though my flesh and my heart fail, God is the rock of my heart, my portion forever.”

P 2679 Stress – the peace devourer.

/ DVH

This is the dictionary’s interpretation of the word – STRESS: great worry caused by a difficult situation. People under a lot of stress may experience headaches, minor pains, and sleeping problems  As if life isn’t difficult enough!

Here are some of my own thoughts about combating stress. I believe exercise can help. Repetitive gentle stretching and moderate exercise gives my brain more oxygen to work with! Plus I use intentional breathing. I quiet my emotions and thoughts by simply concentrating on my breathing. And a few good night’s sleep in a row can help! Also do something fun to break the cycle of “I’ve gotta be, gotta do, gotta go, gotta help …” Instead prioritise helping yourself to get rid of the stress. Stressful people ain’t fun to be around!!

I think parents often find themselves striving to keep their kids lives on an even keel. When kids are on edge so is everyone else! My advice is to let them practice fixing their own problems, instead of adding their problems into your list! I do this all the time. 🙄 Older kids need to be given opportunities to resolve conflict and trouble for themselves – it’s a much needed life-skill. I’d encourage them to ask the Lord to help, but I would also pray for them. The thing is, we often problem solve things for our kids because if they are stressed then they over-stress us and … round and round we go! Pray God will help them and step away. If they are too young to think things through, then present them with two alternative answers to their barrage of questions – tell them the answer is this OR that.

Laughter and humour are great stress breakers. But if you are dealing with another person I recommend that you explain you are not laughing AT them – otherwise war may break out! Watch something you like on TV, that is not stressful. I use Youtube a lot. I put on some Tim Janis or Dappy T Keys and I just listen and watch the pictures! That stuff is like peace on a stick. It’s incredibly peaceful. Or you can listen to music that you like. Sit and read a book and zone out. If you are going to read the bible then read your favourite Psalms. Just don’t read great big swatches of it – it is better to soak, not study. Just read a couple of verses that show you how much God loves you, and regularly pause while reading, to let it sink in. 

People often behave irrationally when they are under stress – it is not intentional – stress has a way of sneaking up on all of us. The thing is, if you are stressed then it is more than likely the rest of your family will pick up on it and they will eventually join in! I believe stress is the cause of more disagreements and strife in our everyday lives than we actually realise. You can’t think your way out of it – because over-thinking got you into it!  FYI, none of us have the ability to solve a whole lot of problems all at once! Just saying …

Stress can tip over into worry when we are unaware of it. The mind winds up and shoots off in a number of directions trying to solve every problem in our universe  – then, quite naturally, our mind objects to being overtaxed because we are not made to deal with a whole lot of problems all at once! I recommend prioritising. Make lists if it helps but remember to cross things off the list once you have accomplished them. Human beings need the feeling of winning, of gaining ground, to help us keep on moving forward. So do celebrate your successes – do it on purpose!

There have been times in my life when I have forgotten what I was stressed about, (good thing!) but then I drove myself nuts trying to remember what I forgot. (Bad thing!!)  At the same time, I have been known to annoy people in my near vicinity with my somewhat over-emphasised problem-solving attempts on their behalf. A problem-solving person may not be what a stressed person needs! I found that out the hard way. Suggestions can just muddy the waters and frustrate everyone.

I have left the best until last. God does not want us to live this life like a frayed end. Please don’t leave the Lord out. He wants IN. He wants to show Himself strong and active on our behalf. I have often made the mistake of thinking that the best way for God to help me, is for Him to solve all my problems. Wrong! God is not our personal problem solver any more than He is our personal trainer! His aim is for us to get through the difficulties holding onto His hand, totally at peace and releasing that peace into the atmosphere around us.

John 14:27 says:“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” How do we enter this peace? There’s this groovy little word called “let,” it means “allow.” When we find ourselves buzzing about like a bumble bee trapped by a window, it is time to realise that we have let ourselves be overwhelmed by the circumstances. Time to stop and pray about letting things go and handing them over to Him. See all the above suggestions … I told you I like to make them!! 😊 Lastly, fix the things you can with His help, but relinquish the ones you can’t. Bye. 👋

P 2564 Life’s tough, but you can’t beat a good laugh!

/ DVH

Many Christians could get quite offended if I imply they are actually not nice people. So, today I want to start off with this — of course you are a nice person! We have to learn to be nice people – it’s almost kind of mandatory! But we can easily be a misinformed person, because nobody has taught us how to use our faith to grow, and live transformed lives! The reality is, we could be rich, we may even have a BMW parked somewhere safe, plenty of funds in the bank, and a 200 square foot house … but we still get furious with other people and run off at the mouth! I’ve noticed that success appears on the outside, but a heart change takes a while to show up.

The truth is: the person who has to co-operate with the Holy Spirit here, in this life, is me. You may drive me nuts, but it is still up to me to stop the negative monologue in my brain from rolling around on repeat. The Holy Spirit will not shut our mouths for us. He won’t even make us read the bible so we have something good to think about instead! He will not switch off the TV or the radio either. Our precious Friend, the Holy Spirit is terrific, He is a fantastic Helper! He wants us to win over sin and temptation, so He warns us over and over again. He says stuff like: ”Turn back now” or “Why not die to self?” But our only way out is to obey what we’ve heard – not just wish-pray stuff away! 

Thinking over what you really want to say to that guy at work who annoys you all the time, will pretty much guarantee it will fly out of your mouth at him, sometime or other, unexpectedly. But the Holy Spirit won’t stop that either – if He did He would be violating our free will! He will warn us but if we ignore Him, HE WILL QUIETLY GO AWAY. Choice is everything. He won’t yell at us about our bad choices – the Holy Spirit quite simply votes with His feet! What do I mean by that? He leaves. WE will have to deliberately DO things differently as in Me. Myself. I!

He will not make a puppet out of us, we must choose to change – on the spot, in the heat of the moment – when you really want to let someone have it! We must take steps to walk out of the many things we have allowed to control our lives — and we do that on purpose. We ask for His help and then purpose to change the way we respond. And here is another enormous truth – ministry, good works, etc. will not change us – choices do. 

The Lord Jesus walked every single step of the way to Calvary. Nobody gave Him a ride. He had to take that walk knowing He was walking to His DEATH. We too, are on a daily death-march. Every single day, we will be tempted all the time, to avoid or postpone dying to self.  Postponement has a fatal flaw— every time we give in to temptation, we are empowering the wrong spirit in us. Just saying is all…

2 Corinthians 10:5 says:”We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”  As you can see we can’t just say:  ”Mind! You must not think that!”  We need to replace what our minds naturally run to, with something that is good, right, pure and just. That is what taking thoughts captive means. So we read the book intentionally and we puzzle over what He is saying to ME!  My advice is to read it until you start punching the air and saying – “Yes! This shows me how much God loves me – He wants to help me!!”  When did we ever get so darn cool and laid-back that we no longer show enthusiasm for the things of God? 🙄

Lastly I am going to give you a great secret when it comes to dealing with your angry, frustrated, wandering mind. Learn to laugh …at yourself. Please don’t laugh at  someone else, that has been known to start wars! Laugh at the situation, or how seriously you seem to be taking it, or the fact that you just screeched at someone like an angry parrot! Learn to laugh …at yourself. Maintaining a sense of humour in the midst of all the angst, pain, irritation and suffering this life hands us, is almost mandatory. All those things are not funny, I know that – I live with them! But when you’ve tried to dress yourself and successfully put the stupid garment on backwards for the 4th time … it is funny.

Years ago, when hubby and I were fighting …playing word interpretation ping-pong back and forth, I often found there were moments when I wanted to laugh. But of course, in my mind it was wrong to laugh be-ca-use …after all, THIS.WAS.SERIOUS! The sky was falling! Our marriage could be over! Except … it wasn’t! After realising that I-can’t-count-the-number-of …semi-trailer loads of God’s grace that fell on us — 37 years later we are still enjoying each other’s company. And yes… we still disagree, at times, loudly. Not!Dead!Yet!  We are both a work in progress – sometimes driving each other batty – of course it is always his fault! He still hasn’t learnt that the woman is always right! 😂

Laughing at ourselves or even a situation, releases tension. It will help us feel better, even temporarily, and it breaks the coldness that creeps into our hearts when we get angry. It also gives us an opportunity to think about and choose what we will do next. Apologies are great! “I’m sincerely sorry I was such a grouchy angry person …” that’s all good. But you can’t beat a good laugh … at yourself. It really is a medicine that cures the soul. You can’t be angry and laugh all at the same time. 👋

P 2398 To really live, we must die.

/ DVH

Absolutely everything depends on how seriously you and I take what Jesus said! “For whoever wishes to save his life [in this world] will [eventually] lose it [through death], but whoever loses his life [in this world] for My sake and the gospel’s will save it [from the consequences of sin and separation from God].” Mark 8:35 AMP.

Salvation is not just a one time event, where you make a decision to become a Christian and that’s that. At the time of that commitment, we might cry a little … or a lot, depending on our response … but this moment is the beginning of our understanding of what Christ did for us all. After this moment then we need to begin to fix the broken relationships we have. Plus we start to pray about tithing, and regularly attending church. Maybe we also go to prayer groups or bible studies. These are difficult but still attainable life-changing things. Sadly many Christians stop right there. 

However, salvation is a PROCESS – not just an event. That process involves the transformation of our lives and it takes a lifetime to bring it about. As we enter into it and God teaches us His ways — we will be changed. We won’t pray, walk, talk, think, or speak the way we did before. Not because of rules or traditions, but because the bible itself changes us. This is when we start to understand that our old nature was taken to the cross when Christ went there – we deliberately choose His ways. Now we want to live the way He did, for God’s glory. Jesus Christ came to earth to die for humanity’s sins, and He also left us an incredible legacy.  A new way to live.

Hubby and I have been married for 35 years. Knowing him has changed me heaps. I laugh more than I used to, despite the difficulties we face daily. It is not that he is hilariously funny … sometimes he tells the worst jokes(!!!) … but in spite of that, his humour evokes a happy response from me. Knowing him and how he thinks, has changed the way I view this life. You could say his life has influenced mine.

Some things that I used to panic over, I have learnt to dismiss or leave alone. Hubby has taught me something no-one else ever taught me … it is possible to stay in love with one person for the rest of your life. However, always liking them … meh! Some days that’s a whole other story. 🙄 But ongoing, fully-committed love is actually possible from a human POV, if each person is prepared to die-to-self in the process. Forget the whole “Oh that’s just me, I’m just like that” rubbish – marriage is about two people becoming ONE. Adjustment will be required.

Now, if another person who is like us can teach us such important stuff – then imagine what the Lord God Maker of heaven and earth can teach us as we get to know HIM. This is the real point of salvation – it is about getting to know SomeOne … and as a result we can progressively learn to rely upon Jesus in all kinds of circumstances. This is how He has taught me, personally and authentically, how wonderful He is. I experience Him, His thoughts, His ways, as I interact with Him in my prayer time, and by reading the bible, and when we obey Him. 

However, if I limit my interactions with Him, and live my Christian life spasmodically, in and out of what His Word says … I will end up with a limited view. He won’t quit on me, but I am distancing myself from Him. That’s when our relationship will become stunted and stiff and lack spiritual life. By engaging in this growth process, I have become aware that this relationship can be costly. I have had to give up my ideas and attitudes about this world and the people in it. Here’s a couple of examples:  before I met the Lord, I saw some people as enemies – but Jesus sees potential for a loving relationship. At other times when I am afraid, and try to hide or run away, He stands with me as I face whatever it is. He helps me conquer my fears. 

Father God’s view of love can seem upside down to what human beings think. Eve thought – “its just a bit of fruit and it looks OK – here you try it  Adam!” She thought her own wisdom was enough. King Saul thought looks and presence would put him over, as a king. But God wanted a man who trusted in Him, not appearances. Solomon thought that many wives meant He was a very important king. He ended up going the wrong way after those wives influenced him. Goliath thought being bigger, stronger and overbearing would give him victory. So God sent a kid to kill him with a round stone.

When we shrink God’s ways into a shape that suits US, we are making a god after our own image. Jesus Christ came to show us that He could live life as a human being like us and still have and maintain a God-obedient love-filled life. We simply need to continually study and obey God’s Word under His guidance, and let it change our minds and reactions. Then He will make that word alive inside us. This means to really live – we will have to choose to die. 👋🏻

“His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.” 2 Peter 1:3 NIV