Antagonistic

P 3394 Do you react or respond?

/ DVH

This subject has been a difficulty for many of us. If you have lived with a reactionary parent, you may find yourself reacting to antagonistic stimuli almost automatically. The people who illustrated this trait toward us, could also be our biggest source of distress, irritation and pain. Often the person who is led by this trait is impulsive, and they regularly need some sort of diversion. They live almost on the edge of their nerves and they have no peace in them permanently.

I think doing things on impulse can be great fun, I have done it myself … but doing it continually makes for an unstable, unsettled lifestyle. What I have written here is not aiming at criticism, it is simply my best illustration of what over-reaction can do. It can quickly destabilise situations and usher in instability for others. Someone with a temper might say: “That’s just me. I flare up, but I cool down again.” I’ve found when this situation happens to me, I’m often reacting to a perceived slight, or word out of place, rather than responding to whatever is really going on. Human beings need stability, that’s why the Lord Jesus is so incredible – “He’s the same, yesterday, today and forever.”  Hebrews 13:8. He’s stable.

The insecurity created by a reactionary response can foster a deep sense of fear of things being out of control. (PS It is much better if we leave Jesus in control – fighting for control leads us to a much darker path!) Because of my own upbringing, I had a huge need to study everyone, including those close to me, carefully. Purely because I was afraid of what might come next! So I learnt to read faces, and body language to help me deflect aggression before it started. That BTW, is still a reaction!

Reacting to a situation actually means something else, or someone else is controlling us. Something unforeseen has happened and we act defensively so we can cope but then we can easily be provoked further. I don’t want to get into a debate about whether this or that is right or wrong. Instead I think we give away our ability to rationally work our way through things when we react. It took me years to realise my reaction to someone else’s instability meant I was also reacting! But I did that stuff inside my head. I was simply managing and manipulating any potential ugly circumstances beforehand, so I could pacify or placate the difficult person or circumstances.

Father God has gently peeled back the layers of anger, despair and heartache, and He showed me that I wasn’t actually escaping, instead I was becoming just like the person who was treating ME like that! He began to teach me to respond instead of reacting. Reacting means we let someone else’s actions define or create a deficit in us. However, responding is about making a quality decision about our own situation or someone’s actions toward us. Reacting is much easier than responding – our feelings jump in and they are trying to control things we feel we can’t control any other way. We need to turn to Jesus, not a default system. Control in any form, and Christianity do not mix. 

Responding means you take a second to think about what is in front of you, and ask the Lord to give you His plan. Sometimes He says to me: “Just wait…”  One thing I’ve learnt is that some reactionary people don’t like waiting, they want the difficulty escalated or resolved, NOW! But responders assess, pause, and then they act. If we are having problems with a reactionary person, waiting can prompt the other person to get even madder. This type of person doesn’t like that potential silent space, it doesn’t fit their “accelerate into war,” or “fix it now” agenda. However, somebody else’s anger is not our problem. Instead we need to ask the Holy Spirit to help us say something soft to turn away that wrath that’s coming for us. 

I’m learning to say: “You really matter to me. Let’s not damage our relationship, instead let’s turn down the heat and talk about it quietly.” Responding means you have taken control of yourself, and your own feelings. This is one of the ways we can cultivate the fruit of self-control. Our feelings aren’t useless, they just don’t have good leadership skills, because they don’t make good decisions under pressure. I have learnt when I wait, that the Lord will give me a scripture to hold onto. It helps me to bolster my faith, and it gives me something concrete to stand on. It helps me with my own response. Confronting a reactionary person is not necessarily the best time to use that word as a sword. That might only escalate things. 

However responding treats the other person like they have rights too. Controlling others so we can feel OK about ourselves, and get what we want, is not a good Godly plan. The bible says we get our worth in Christ. Our value comes from what He has done for us. When we choose to pause, then we have some time to choose to how to respond under the Holy Spirit’s guidance. If we read the entire story about Christ’s torture, punishment and death, we can see that He chose to be silent in the face of blatant untruths. His response was to say nothing. Responders understand they have the power to make things better. 

Like the scripture says in my blog heading: “I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I PRESS ON …” Philippians 3:13,14a. Bye. 👋

P 2819 Antagonistic people.

/ DVH

“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;..”Matthew 5:44.“But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you.” Luke 6:27. Here’s how it works – you find out who are your enemies then you deliberately, as in, on purpose, do something nice for them. Start by blessing them. Yeah, you know, if everybody did this then it is likely that our so-called enemies would not know they are our enemies! Think about it.

Living like the bible says takes a quality decision. There is no turning back or quitting. Here’s another favourite, much memorised verse – just kidding!!: 🤣 “…and a man’s enemies will be the members of his [own] household [when one believes and another does not]…” Matthew 10:36. I imagine most of the people who read this blog have experienced that last one. Long ago I had a first hand experience of this one. Praise God those people are now following the Lord themselves. But I know enough to know that a happy result does not always follow hard choices … there was a big space in the middle! People can be like mules.

Now, let’s look at Romans 12:20.“On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Romans 12:14 ““Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them.” I have prayed that last verse many times through clenched teeth. I persevered until I was able to let go of my anger! Being transformed involves choices and self-control.

You know, I can’t help but wonder how many wars might have been stopped if mankind acted on these verses. It seems to me that the entire world has gone from what the Apostle Paul said …into this style of thinking … ‘they did bad things to us, now let’s exterminate them.’ O-Kay! …That could be called extreme…!!  We can fool ourselves that we are justified in our anger, but that’s not what the book says – outside of Christ Himself, there is no justification … so why would anybody choose to live there?

This whole subject about enemies is a very interesting personal study. Because we often don’t think we have any! We will grudgingly acknowledge that we sort of kind of don’t like some people all that much. Now here is something else I’ve learnt that is fascinating. Never go into why you don’t like so and so – even in your mind. ASAP take those thoughts captive. 9 times out of 10 that kind of thinking leads to not liking that person/people even more! Many times in the past I have read verses about the way we need to treat enemies, and I have thought to myself …’I have no enemies …’ Hah! That’s like asking yourself “who am I mad at?’ It doesn’t work. Now I will give you my advice for free … 

Try not to excuse yourself on the grounds that “I-am-a-very-nice-person-just-ask-me !!”…  … Instead ask the Holy Spirit what He thinks. Ask Him who you see as an enemy. Take a pencil and some paper with you, OK? Because I’ve learnt that this kind of stuff excuses itself, hides, and jumps straight into blame … We excuse our feelings and put pretty titles on them. Like: ‘This kind of person and I are not compatible.’ The very worst kind of lies are the ones we tell ourselves … because they are so hard to uncover.

The answer to this dilemma is to ask the Holy Spirit to help us to love people the way He does. Even the ones who would like to see our heads on a pike! After that we must be prepared to go to war within ourselves, because our old self does not want to die, and it has strong roots and a big pile of great excuses!

There are times when giving into what the Lord wants, seems to be losing a battle we badly want to win, but: “He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” John 12.25. The battle belongs to the Lord, just point your heart at Him and hang on. I will warn you, sometimes it takes a while to hear that mythical fat lady sing … 

There are also times when I think that fear motivates us far more than we realise. “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve my life. You stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes; with Your right hand You save me.” Psalm 138:7. When we believe this, and live by it, as well as counting on verses like this one, we are ‘living in the secret place, the shelter of the Most High God…Whose power no foe can withstand.” We don’t have to be afraid, GOD HAS A PLAN. Like Esther we can say: “If I die I die.”  

Except some of the time we have 94 good reasons why we shouldn’t die — yet! Those are the very best times to go ahead and choose to do it anyway. Stop counting how many times you’ve let somebody else off the hook even though they keep right on doing it – and do it one more time. And don’t peer into the future seeing the same result stretching on and on .. that’s not faith, it’s necromancy.

Antagonistic people are a gift. They call our attention to the stuff in our lives that we don’t want to see. They help us grow bigger than the traps the enemy has set before us. Now we get to fight different battles, not the same one over and over again. See you next time, bye. 👋